Cabbage and Sick People Farts

(This was written by Jess, and here's a quick precurser from Cari. Jess is gross--and I'll have no part in his gross-ness. And---our house doesn't stink! (at least I think)

Apparently that's what our house smells like at three o'clock on a Saturday. The sad part of that is that I'm here by myself. I'm positive that I didn't make the whole smell by myself, but it would be silly to think that I didn't contribute in some small way.

With this whole 'job' thing, I don't spend nearly as much time at the house as I used to. Back in the heady days of childhood time at home was nearly limitless (much to my mother's chagrin). But now I'm usually out the door before the sun's up, and not back in until dinnertime. A guy just gets used to a routine. I don't necessarily like it, but I'm used to it.

Or I was. Now I'm stuck at home...it's day 2.5 out of 30. I got foot surgery to correct some minor, though incredibly annoying problems. The doc surprised me with a whopper 30 day penalty for...bad foot-ed-ness or something. He told me I have to stay home. And I'm sick of it here.

No jumping to conclusions! I love my kids, and my wife is the best thing since sliced bread. This house is a beautiful place and a wonderful blessing. But I'm going to scratch my own eyes out if I have to watch another rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. (Proof that anybody can get on TV.)(C-and Everybody Loves Raymond is awesome)

So to keep myself from major ocular damage, and to save the TV Cari so thoughtfully bought, I'm preparing a short list of completely sedentary activities for the chronically bored. Maybe if it gets *really* boring I'll even let you know how some of my ideas turn out.


1- Butt Cheek Checkers. I divided the chair I'm relegated to into an 8x8 grid, and I'm seeing how long it takes each portion of the cushion to deteriorate under my fat lard butt. I haven't banged out all the rules yes, but it looks like there needs to be a contingency for different kinds of pants. I have this one pair that has a rougher fabric, and it might cause unnatural wear. That wouldn't be fair, so I'll have to monitor things closely.

2- Name That Smell. Cabbage and Sick People Farts are just two of the incredible odors I've discovered so far. Sick People Farts is from Lukie, who is sick. The Cabbage is a mystery. I'm certainly hoping its not something I did. There's an odor that reminds me of raw potatoes and something that mights have been Mexican food once. I can detect a cat, which may be wafting through from somewhere in the neighborhood. Later, I might smell corn dog, as it is currently doing its part in the Butt Cheek Checkers competition.

3- Making Up Bad Words. Earlier I called Cari a 'braf-dingling spornk.' She laughed...in that way that says, "Ha ha ha, (I hope that this person does not really want to kill me)." (C-or rather like--wow--already on day 2.5 Jess?) Then she walked away. But the joke is really on her because she doesn't know what it means. It's not all that bad, just for all you haters out there. But there are a couple of real dooseys. Nort, frambler, and greaough are all bad enough that I wouldn't say them to the Bishop. You might find them in the Bible if I were to translate it, but only way in the parts that no one reads. Leviticus and what-not. I'm working on a definition for cromp-face. I don't have any leads yet, but its gonna be good!

4- Mormon Drinking Game. This is a game that I hate. But I've been bored to the point where I've played it four times already. It goes like this. Find one of the channels that plays the daytime real-life court cases, and watch any show. They're all the same. (Plaintiff is claiming $547.27 for damages to his toupee, caused by the Defendant's pet weasel when they were sharing a dumpy apartment...or whatever.) Every time the judge has to lay the smack down on either party, in the form of life lessons preached across the pulpit of justice, take a big drink of water. This occurs about every two minutes when you include the teasers just before commercial breaks. Great for hydration, but hard for a be-crutched man hobbling to the bathroom every 10 minutes.

5- Where'd That Sticker Come From? I guess technically this game can be played at any time at the Winn home. But it's especially interesting to play in a confined space. I've located seven stickers so far, all from different sticker sets, several of which I'm positive we've never owned. There's a Barbie sticker from under grid square B7 that looks like it might be from the late 80's. I'm working to identify a small-ish sticker I located on the carpet which was either a type of fruit or a wildly inappropriate racial slur. It's probably too far decomposed to know for sure, but I suppose that's where lots of the fun comes from.

6- What Can I Trick the Kids Into Eating?! Points are awarded as follows. Five points for anything organic in nature. Seven points for anything obviously inorganic, ie. rocks, bits of plastic, toys, etc. 10 points for something that cannot be truly classifies as either organic or inorganic. 20 points if I can get Cari to taste it. My score so far is 1247 points.

7- Google People You Know. Alternatively known as 'I'm *Almost* a Stalker.' I whole-heartedly believe that most stalkers were originally pretty good people, they just got really, really bored. My only crazy results so far are that Cari was apparently part of the Wayland Baptist Flying Queens Basketball Team. I'll have to inform her of this later.

8- Name the Numb Body Part. When a body part goes numb, it's sometimes hard to tell. So the game goes like this; pick a random body part and touch it. If it's numb you get a point. If it's not, no points. Surprisingly, after sitting in the stupid Checker Chair for so long, the score so far is 15.

That's the last two days' worth. I really can't imagine what craziness will crop up in the next 27 days, but if it's good I'll let you know.

Seriously, I'm bored like it's nobody's business.