Cari

It's a shame that we don't have those "ah-ha" moments more often. I often talk to my mom about the kids experiencing these great leaps in logic or emotion, but we recognize them far too infrequently in ourselves. They certainly occur; I truly believe that most of our 'growing up' is done well after we consider ourselves 'grown up.'

You may want an explanation. An "ah-ha" moment is one of those split seconds in time when a completely new idea makes perfect sense. They are often hard to vocalize as adults, but we have a very vivid illustration in our children. Any parent can think of a time when they've looked into their child's eyes and noticed something...different. Something grown-up. Something complex. Something new and beautiful that the child wasn't capable of before. One day, without me doing anything about it, they just grow up. Their brain goes, "ah-ha!" And they GET it.

Sometimes I'd like to think I'm more complex than a child, but I've proven that to be a stupid lie. I get little "ah-ha's" just the same as they do, and all the sudden I'm the smallest bit more grown up. And in those moments I get a brief glimpse of exactly how un-grown up I truly am.

But this post isn't about me. It's about Cari, and my "ah-ha" about who she is.

I had one of hundreds of "ah-ha's" today, and I think it led to a bigger "ah-ha." I'm not in the business of airing my dirty laundry, so I won't say more than that Cari and I often disagree about things, the way all married couples do. It was in the midst of one of these speed bumps that I discovered something: Cari is the single most important tangible blessing I have in my life; and she's the reason that I feel like I have a chance at 'making it.'

In all marraiges there are speed bumps. They keep us honest, and serve to temper love over many years. However, it occured to me that in our marraige I'm causing the speed bumps. Probably not all of them, but a good portion of them are due to things like greed, immaturity, lack of confidence, conceit, etc. on my part. Ouch. Cari has stood by me, strong and immovable in her love and values, every step of the way. Double ouch.

I have no foolish intention to fix all our problems today, but I'm going to put a pretty big dent in them. Today is the last day that I mistake 'affection' and 'value.' Affection is just liking something. Value is understanding why you like a thing, and doing what's in your power to preserve it's continued effectiveness. I love Cari. But I can do a much better job valuing Cari.

Cari manages to keep our family from flying apart. She keeps our house a home instead of a domicile by making sure the Spirit is here and that each of us is doing our part. She blesses the lives of every one she touches; usually with laughter. Her laughter is like sweet summer air and hints of jasmine in the evening. It brushes against my soul so gently that I almost don't feel it, but when I stand still and breathe it in it fills me with unforgettable moments and peaceful rest. I'm nearly positive that I won't ever meet another soul who has such an overt gift; she spreads happiness like an uncovered light bulb. She's wonderful to be around, as she casts her beautiful glow on everything she touches, but to look directly at her is to be overwhelmed by the staggering strength of her light. She works relentlessly. She probably doesn't tell this to anybody, but I don't think there's been a single day that's passed since she's been called in which she hasn't done something for the primary kids. She keeps saying that things will calm down once she's more on top of what the group needs to be successful, but I know she's lying a little bit. She finds some hidden joy in devoting herself to service, regardless of how. Sometimes it shows in silly ways; extra thick lamination or five pictures instead of three, but status quo is never experienced here. Those kids, and a good chunk of their parents, will never have any idea what she does, but she'll never care. She'll laminate and glue and type and call and cut and color until she falls asleep on the floor, then she'll put the kids to bed the next night and start again. She's always enriching life for our family. As a mom who's busy with regular mom stuff, she manifests herself again in small things. A new receipe on Tuesday, a Slip-n-Slide party on a random Thursday afternoon, who knows what she'll do to make life an adventure. You know, she's never given up on that adventure? It's true. As we leave childhood behind most of us give away our childhood dreams in exchange for trinkets of adulthood like cars of moustaches or fancy jobs. But Cari kept her childhood intact somehow. Come to our house sometime, and I'll prove it to you. Cari is first in the blanket and kitchen chair fort and happy to play the dragon or super villain. She's laughing the loudest when there's a game of tag or an impromptu pillow fight in the living room. It's common knowledge throughout the Winn clan that mom makes the best Play-Do snakes or finger paint pictures. She blesses my boys' lives more through her imagination than I think she knows. I don't know how she can keep that adventure alive, but it's beautiful...it's the reason her eyes shine.

To not go on is a disservice, but there's not enough whatever-bytes in the world for me to paint a descent picture of what valuing Cari means. So I'm done undervaluing my lover. I'll never stop loving, that's never been an issue. But if I want to safeguard what I have affection for in order to preserve it, I have to change. More thank you's is a good place to start, but I get the feeling that won't cut the mustard. As a beginning measure, I'm going to stop assuming that she ever has anything but the best intentions. She's never given me a reason to doubt her decision-making or motives, and I can't imagine that she ever will. So I really ought to stop acting like it.

If Cari truly is the most important tangible blessing of my life (and she is), I need to care for her in order to show my gratitude; just like any other blessing. More back-rubs and dishes and errands and long kisses. Less pushiness and conceit and manipulation...sadly enough all things I should have been doing/not doing before anyway.

For someone like me to end up with Cari is already a huge stretch of what most would consider feasible. No more screwing up, then. You've already had your lucky break, Jess. If you mess this one up there's no mulligan. No more silly mistakes, no more stupid crankiness, no more senselessness.

It shouldn't take "ah-ha" moments to make me realize that I can't do with without Cari. It ought to be simple to know that she's incredible, and that everybody around me sees it. It should be easy to see her value, and to appreciate her for it naturally...but I suck, so none of that happened.

I'll never be happier than when I'm living the gospel with Cari at my side. I'll never be more likely to make good decisions than when Cari is with me. I'll never be more motivated to improve myself than when I see her exceeding the mark. Life isn't easy, but being with a girl like Cari makes it the happiest challenge one could ask for. A pretty simple formula.

Cari is a blessing in my life. I must value her as such ("Ah-ha!"). I've wasted too much time not doing that, to include writing it down here. I think maybe an unsolicited cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows is as good a first step as any...